Look at me now!

Why is it you always bump into someone you didn't want to when you look like a pile of crap? Guaranteed, they will look fabulous, have their fabulous partner/friend with them and gush all over you in between telling you how fabulous their life is. This is a phenomenon known as "Shit On Me" and seems to follow a selection of unfortunate people (like me) around. It first happened when I was in my late teens, I was returning home after crashing on my friends sofa after a particularly heavy night out clubbing. I'm walking home in last night's clothes, believe me Lycra does crease in ways you can't imagine. My make up has spent the night slithering off my face and is now streaked down my cheeks. I have Alice Cooper eyes and the can of hairspray I used making my hair look fabulous 12 hrs before has turned to snow like flakes and is literally blowing out of my hair as I'm walking. I look like I'm fighting my way through a blizzard which is probably why I didn't notice the school bitch walking toward me. Before I can re-focus my sight and scuttle across the road she's already seen me. And not satisfied that she's observed me looking like some tramp she instigates a conversation. While looking fabulously fresh with glowing (or gloating) cheeks she begins interrogating me. With dry mouth, bloodshot eyes, feet that are cut to ribbons from the shoes I have danced the night away in I try to brazen it out. It didn't work. I knew she was loving every minute.
That wasn't exactly an isolated incident either, oh no. Over the years I have bumped into a whole array of people that I just didn't want to. Always when I look like crap and they look great. Ex-boyfriends are usually the worst, you always want them to see you looking fantastic, so you can tell them how successful your life has been since they weren't in it. Instead you bump into them at the petrol station or in the supermarket when you've only ran in for a loaf of bread, wearing your biggest most unflattering jumper, your oldest trainers, and jogging bottoms that are fraying at the crotch. They, on the other hand are shopping for a romantic dinner (you only know this because they take great pleasure in telling you). And the tall, skinny woman with glossy hair and her arms wrapped round his waist is a bit of a give away.
I've even tried to become pro-active in this. I've taken time to get myself all glammed up, walked out of the house feeling great and deliberately wandered around places I thought I may bump into someone I normally didn't want to. Did I bump into anyone? No, of course I didn't. I didn't see a single person who I would want to see me looking effortlessly gorgeous and successful. After my sixteenth lap of the supermarket I was attracting attention from the security guards and had to leave. So you see, I'm not destined to have "look at me now" moments unless it's immediately followed by "I look like shit"!